Final Fantasy 9 Presents: Snow White
by Rhiannon McHugh
Summary: All your favorite Final Fantasy 9 characters preforming a Disney movie that is not so Disney-ish anymore... R
1. Act 1

Snow White

Disclaimer: Nopers, don't own Final Fantasy OR Disney... Yet, Muahahaha!!!! 

Note: This is a collaboration project between my friend, Pam, and I. So keep in mind that this is my work as well as Pam's! Oh, and I know someone else has done Snow White and the Seven Moogles, but, well, this is waaaay different and it's something that has been floating around in our little twisted minds for quite some time now, so... Yeah. R&R and enjoy! Oh, and as for the bit of Kuja bashing... I'm allowed to do that, because I love him! So there! 

Final Fantasy 9 presents: Snow White

**Cast of Characters:**   
Snow White: Garnet  
  
Prince Charming: Zidane  
  
The Evil Que--er, King: Kuja  
  
The Magic Mirror: Steiner  
  
The Huntress: Lani  
  
The Narrator: Ruby  
  
**Dwarves:**  
  
Flirty: Eiko  
  
Haughty (as opposed to "Hottie"): Amarant  
  
Bashful: Vivi  
  
Hungry: Quina  
  
Bossy: Puck  
  
Empathy: Freya  
  
Apathy: Mikoto  


(Act 1) 

(Enter Ruby) 

Ruby: Once upon a time, there wus a king an' a queen an' togetha they had a baby, who they named Snow White, 'cuz her skin wus white as snow. One day, howeva, th' king died so th' queen remarried, only ta die shortly afta, leavin' th' kingdom to her husband. 

Th' king wus as narcissistic as he wus evil, an' ever day he looked in his magic mirra ta make sure he wus still th' fairest in th' land--which he wus. 

(Exit Ruby) 

(The scene changes to show a dark, foreboding room. In one corner is a mirror, from which Steiner is clearly visible. Enter Kuja.) 

Kuja (Lazily): Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all? 

(Steiner's face in the mirror lights up, illuminated by a light that is obviously placed beneath him) 

Steiner: Though beauty such as yours is rare (coughs), I fear Snow White is twice as fair. 

Kuja: Khehehe! Oh, what comedy! Surely you jest! (Notices Steiner's dead serious face and quirks an eyebrow) What? Have an explanation? Because you do know that I could quite easily find a replacement for you... 

Steiner (Mechanically): What I say is true, for comedy is something I do not do. 

Kuja (Crosses his arms stubbornly): Hmph. I don't believe you. Last time I saw her she was an ugly duckling. 

Steiner: And then she reached puberty... 

Kuja (Stunned): Ahahaha... Right. So, you mean to tell me that... That... I'm no longer the fairest in the land? All this work... All those fitness programs... Were for nothing!? What irony! I've been overshadowed by my own step-daughter! (In a flash of light, he had gone Trance) If I can't be the fairest, no one can! I won't let that happen! That wouldn't be fair, now would it? 

Steiner: Kuja...? 

Kuja: FLARE! 

(Sadly, the Flare reflects off the mirror and bounces back at him. It hits him and knocks him across the room) 

Kuja (Clutching his nose): Damn you! You ruined my nose job, you enchanted piece of-! 

Steiner: Nose job...? 

Kuja (Standing and brushing himself off): Oh, yes. I know this great place where they give you everything from nose jobs to- 

Ruby (Cutting in and whispering): Um, fellas, yer gonna _lose_ a job if ya don't get back on track! 

Kuja: Oh... Heh... (Clears throat) Oh, yes, um... Anyway... I must destroy this Snow White! (Aside) I must wonder... Is this poor girl lacking a tan or something? Hmm... I'll have to look into it... 

(At the mention of Snow White, Steiner leaves his post behind the mirror and begins to run crazily around the room) 

Steiner: WHAT!? What evil deeds are you plotting against the prin-er, Snow White?? Tell me at once, you scum! You scoundrel! You rogue! You-! 

Kuja (Rolls eyes): Would you stop that? Oh, that's right! Stop! 

(Steiner freezes in mid-step as Stop is cast on him) 

Kuja (Tosses hair): Hmph. That's what I thought! 

(Enter Ruby) 

Ruby: An' so, King Kuja went about thinkin' about how best ta get ridda Snow White who, in th' meantime, sat innocent an' oblivious in th' castle gardens... 

(Exit Ruby) 

(Scene changes to reveal Snow White/Garnet in the castle gardens, sitting at the edge of a well while singing softly) 

Snow White/Garnet: ...Though you're gone, I still believe that you can caaaaall out my naaaame! A voice from the past (A new masculine voice suddenly joins in) joining yours and mine, adding up the layers of harmony! And so it goes on and-OH! 

(She stops and gasps, spinning around dramatically when she realizes someone is singing with her. She gasps again when she spies a charming, dashing young blonde-haired, blue-eyed prince... With a tail.) 

(She then turns and runs into the castle, rushing up the stairs and to the balcony where she can appreciate him from a distance.) 

Prince/Zidane (Watching her from below): Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your- 

Snow White/Garnet (Cutting in in a whisper): No, that's not it! It's... (In a normal stage voice) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? 

Prince/Zidane (Whispers): No, that's not it! Isn't this the part where I'm supposed to fly in through the window? 

Snow White/Garnet: No! You're supposed to- 

Ruby (Cutting in sharply): Yer both wrong! This is Snow White, remember? 

Garnet and Zidane (In unison): Oh, yeah... 

(They both stare at each other blankly, silent. A cricket chirps, a pin drops.) 

Ruby (Exasperated): Oh, ferget it! 

(Curtain lowers.) 

(End Act 1) 

*~*~*~*~*~* 

So, whatcha think? Like? No Like? Want us to continue? R&R and tell us what you think! No flames, though! =^.^= 

*~Rhiannon McHugh and Pam Broderick~* 

yvSM=0;yvVP=0;var yviContents='http://us.toto.geo.yahoo.com/toto?s=76001070 yviR='us';yfiEA(0); geovisit();


	2. Act 2

Snow White

Disclaimer: Nopers, don't own Final Fantasy OR Disney... Yet, Muahahaha!!!! 

Note: This is a collaboration project between my friend, Pam, and I. So keep in mind that this is my work as well as Pam's! Oh, and I know someone else has done Snow White and the Seven Moogles, but, well, this is waaaay different and it's something that has been floating around in our little twisted minds for quite some time now, so... Yeah. R&R and enjoy! Oh, and as for the bit of Kuja bashing... I'm allowed to do that, because I love him! So there! 

Final Fantasy 9 presents: Snow White

(Act 2) 

(Enter Ruby) 

Ruby: It didn't take long fer King Kuja ta come up with a plan ta off Snow White--a plan that didn't require dirtyin' his own clean hands, of course. (Exit Ruby) 

(We are now directed to another gloomy part of the castle, but this time it is the throne room. Kuja is sitting on his throne, fingers drumming the arms of the chair idly... Or is it expectantly?) 

Kuja: He should be here by now... Any minute... Ack! (He suddenly jumps, examining the nails on his left hand intensely.) Damn... I chipped a nail... I must be stressed. No! ! can't be stressed! Stress gives you wrinkles! Great... Now I'm stressing over wrinkles! Or am I stressing over stress? 

(Off stage, voices can be heard, and an all too familiar theme begins to play...) 

(O.S.) We are in trouble! 

(O.S.) Trouble are we in! 

Kuja (Cringes): Oh no... 

(O.S.) We must hurry to see King Kuja! 

(O.S.) Hurry to see King Kuja must we! 

Kuja: Don't tell me... 

(O.S.) The way, that is not! 

(O.S.) I know it is not the way! 

(O.S.) Really, do you? 

(O.S.) I really do! 

(O.S.) I really wonder sometimes... 

(O.S.) The time to wonder now is not! 

(O.S.) We must hurry! 

(O.S.) Hurry must we! 

(The doors to the throne room burst open, allowing the "Jesters of the Moon" theme to blare into the room, followed shortly by the jesters themselves.) 

Kuja: Shut the door! 

(Zorn and Thorn instantly scramble to close the door, shutting out the music, which continues to play faintly in the background.) 

(Clearly irritated, Kuja claps his hands twice and the elegant piano music that is his theme begins to play, drowning out Thorn and Zorn's music.) 

Kuja: Ah... Much better. Anyway... What brings you two here on such short notice... and looking so alive, as well? I could have sworn Zidane killed you. 

Zorn: Kill us he did! 

Thorn: But what about you? 

Zorn: Dead are you supposed to be! 

Kuja (Smugly): Oh, but the last save point in the game is right before my final battle, so, you see, I am really still quite alive. Besides, since people love me so much, it's only natural that they'd want to revive and restore me, no? And, so they have. (Shrugs) You two, on the other hand, have no such excuse. 

Zorn: ... 

Kuja: But, that's beside the point. Why are you here, anyway? I saw nothing in the script about you... 

Zorn: A guest appearance, we have made! 

Kuja (Dryly): Wonderful, just what I-- Wait a minute! Thorn, aren't you the one who is supposed to speak backwards? 

Thorn: We switched roles. 

Kuja: ...I see... 

Zorn: An announcement, have we! 

Thorn: Your guest has arrived! 

Kuja: Oh? 

Zorn: Waiting at the doors, is she! 

Kuja (sighs): And so why didn't you show her-- Wait! He's a she? 

Zorn: Fetch her now, will we! 

Thorn: We will fetch her now! 

(Zorn and Thorn scamper out) 

Kuja (Rubbing his temples): I am surrounded by idiots... 

(Shortly after, a young woman enters, dressed in rather suggestive clothes. She carries a very large ax with her) 

Kuja: You're the hunter...? 

Lani: It's huntress, to you. (Catches him eyeing her and rolls her eyes) What? Does a little cleavage offend you? 

Kuja (Blushing): No, not at all! Er, I mean... No! 

Lani (Yawns): Good. That makes it better for the both of us. Anyway, you had a little problem you wanted to be eliminated? 

Kuja (Keeping his eyes averted): Yes. If you would be so kind as to eliminate my step-daughter, it would be most appreciated. 

Lani (Feeling the blade of her ax absently): Yeah, sure. You want her whole or dismembered? 

Kuja (Makes a face): Either. Just... do it away from the castle, alright? In the forest... Take her to pick flowers or something. And I don't want details, just proof. (hands Lani a box with intricate designs on it) Put her heart in this box and bring it back to me. And... Keep it shut. I work hard to keep this place sterile as it is. 

Lani (Mock bowing): Aye aye! My ax will be most pleased... 

(Exits) 

(End act 2) 

*~*~*~*~*~* 

So, whatcha think? Like? No Like? Want us to continue? R&R and tell us what you think! No flames, though! Oh, and I promise you, the third act will be waaaay better. Personally, I really didn't like this one, but that's just me! =^.^= 

*~Rhiannon McHugh and Pam Broderick~* 

yvSM=0;yvVP=0;var yviContents='http://us.toto.geo.yahoo.com/toto?s=76001070 geovisit(); 


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